"Lee's Disastersise!" Keep fit for the masses!
I've been here (Seattle) for bloody ages now, and work is getting harder and harder, days are getting longer. The future is not bright, my brain is orange.
But, I have lost weight! I've learned how stress and worry and panic does actually often lead to weightloss and that does seem to be working.. have lost half a stone in 6 weeks, without doing any kind of mad diet plan, without working out, still just living as usual! So I've thought, for those of us who have killer jobs (nail you before 40 thanks to a heart attack) are we better off actually just amplifying all the stress to lose weight?
So over the next few days (or whenever I can be bothered) I'll be giving all you blog reading wasters (get a life I'm not that interesting!) the step by step programme to achieving unhealthy weightloss by introducing anxiety, stress and despair into your otherwise happy little lives. But remember... happy = fat! Time for misery!
"Lee's Disastersize" (like exercise you see... only with disasters!).
Step 1 :Getting off to a bad start: Your Early Morning Routine
Begin by removing batteries and resetting clocks all over the house to the wrong time. Set mobile phones used as alarm clocks to totally the wrong timezone so that it wakes you up during the night. The important thing here is to ensure that it doesnt actually wake you on time in the morning. Inevitably it should wake you as late as possible. Causing total panic and dissarray when you reliase it's 11:00am and you were supposed to be in office or on conference calls hours ago. After a few days of this, your slacking at work should begin to create a sense of insecurity that they'll fire you any day for being generally rubbish.
If this doesnt work and you're one of these freaks with a body clock that wakes you up without fail there are a number of steps you can go through to make sure that you can really shaft the beginning of your day and begin with stress and building anxiety.
1. Never actually get around to filling the car up with fuel the night before, so that you're caused to be late to work by stopping at petrol stations on the way, or even better, actually run out of fuel on the way to work!
2. Introduce my old nemesis the steam iron into your life every morning. Never hang clothes, throw them into a small ball at the bottom of a wardrobe. Every morning panic because you have nothing crease free to wear. This is especially traumatic for women because they own lots of clothes that are difficult to iron. Chasing creases around for 30 minutes when you're already an hour late is a marvellous way of making sure you get fired quick, or just stay stressed for your whole working week!
3. Breakfast
Always keep in mind the three word breakfast stress mantra Anger, Frustration, Panic. First off always attempt things that result in total frustration. Realising the bread is off when you wanted some toast, or milk for cereal. Always purchase milk carton packages that are impossible to open, giving handy milk spilling opportunities. Secondly, burn the toast, fail to cook things, and generally make a total bollocks of preparing your breakfast, this should cause further delays or at least leave you hungry! Panic is fairly easy.. usually just make sure you set fire to the toast causing every fire alarm in the house to go off, running around flapping towels in front of ear piercing wailling devices is an excellent way to get your nerves on edge first thing!
4. Drink Driving
Not the alcoholic variety (though death does inevitably mean you lose weight). I happen to have a car with no cup holders, buy one as well, and make sure that you are able to call into a starbucks or a coffee shop of some description on the way into work. Better yet one of McDonalds 2,000 degree kelvin beverages! Driving and trying to hold the drink at the same time will make your morning commute almost impossible, especially if you drive a manual transmission car! This should guarantee a low speed collision with somebody caused by you not being able to change gear, and likely will result in a spillage of drink. If it's the McDonalds beverage this also results in a diversion to the critical burns unit of the nearest hospital! Guaranteed instant stress!
So if you've been through these steps, you've possibly arrived to start your day at work hungry, tired, late, covered in coffee or tea, and looking a total mess in creased clothes!
Coming up next: Step 2:- Ruining your work ethic! Make every day a Tuesday!
But, I have lost weight! I've learned how stress and worry and panic does actually often lead to weightloss and that does seem to be working.. have lost half a stone in 6 weeks, without doing any kind of mad diet plan, without working out, still just living as usual! So I've thought, for those of us who have killer jobs (nail you before 40 thanks to a heart attack) are we better off actually just amplifying all the stress to lose weight?
So over the next few days (or whenever I can be bothered) I'll be giving all you blog reading wasters (get a life I'm not that interesting!) the step by step programme to achieving unhealthy weightloss by introducing anxiety, stress and despair into your otherwise happy little lives. But remember... happy = fat! Time for misery!
"Lee's Disastersize" (like exercise you see... only with disasters!).
Step 1 :Getting off to a bad start: Your Early Morning Routine
Begin by removing batteries and resetting clocks all over the house to the wrong time. Set mobile phones used as alarm clocks to totally the wrong timezone so that it wakes you up during the night. The important thing here is to ensure that it doesnt actually wake you on time in the morning. Inevitably it should wake you as late as possible. Causing total panic and dissarray when you reliase it's 11:00am and you were supposed to be in office or on conference calls hours ago. After a few days of this, your slacking at work should begin to create a sense of insecurity that they'll fire you any day for being generally rubbish.If this doesnt work and you're one of these freaks with a body clock that wakes you up without fail there are a number of steps you can go through to make sure that you can really shaft the beginning of your day and begin with stress and building anxiety.
1. Never actually get around to filling the car up with fuel the night before, so that you're caused to be late to work by stopping at petrol stations on the way, or even better, actually run out of fuel on the way to work!
2. Introduce my old nemesis the steam iron into your life every morning. Never hang clothes, throw them into a small ball at the bottom of a wardrobe. Every morning panic because you have nothing crease free to wear. This is especially traumatic for women because they own lots of clothes that are difficult to iron. Chasing creases around for 30 minutes when you're already an hour late is a marvellous way of making sure you get fired quick, or just stay stressed for your whole working week!
3. Breakfast
Always keep in mind the three word breakfast stress mantra Anger, Frustration, Panic. First off always attempt things that result in total frustration. Realising the bread is off when you wanted some toast, or milk for cereal. Always purchase milk carton packages that are impossible to open, giving handy milk spilling opportunities. Secondly, burn the toast, fail to cook things, and generally make a total bollocks of preparing your breakfast, this should cause further delays or at least leave you hungry! Panic is fairly easy.. usually just make sure you set fire to the toast causing every fire alarm in the house to go off, running around flapping towels in front of ear piercing wailling devices is an excellent way to get your nerves on edge first thing!
4. Drink Driving
Not the alcoholic variety (though death does inevitably mean you lose weight). I happen to have a car with no cup holders, buy one as well, and make sure that you are able to call into a starbucks or a coffee shop of some description on the way into work. Better yet one of McDonalds 2,000 degree kelvin beverages! Driving and trying to hold the drink at the same time will make your morning commute almost impossible, especially if you drive a manual transmission car! This should guarantee a low speed collision with somebody caused by you not being able to change gear, and likely will result in a spillage of drink. If it's the McDonalds beverage this also results in a diversion to the critical burns unit of the nearest hospital! Guaranteed instant stress!
So if you've been through these steps, you've possibly arrived to start your day at work hungry, tired, late, covered in coffee or tea, and looking a total mess in creased clothes!
Coming up next: Step 2:- Ruining your work ethic! Make every day a Tuesday!
posted by Nix at
10:02 AM
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